Dear Diary, i love you.
Whenever im in the state of discomfort u never fail to be there. You're the host for my many unpleasant memories & honestly i never look forward to coming here, it sucks. cause everything i post here wont be of any good. but still thanks, maybe this is one of the many pros that a non-living thing has. you guys are like punchbags, you get shoot at but still you stand strong, emotionless. Humans can never do that, we're over sentimental, we're full of feelings, how i wish im able to be like a punchbag during this period of maelstrom im going through. My mind is in a complete turmoil and myself in a complete state of fatigue. Im sick & tired.
Thanks diary.
3 days ago, it was BB POP & 23rd enrolement service. mine was the 20th.
11 days ago it was AQ08, where we got position 11th.
Well, it may seem as thou its the end of BB career for me, but its not. there's still promotions this coming friday.
Truthfully, i really want to get out of 14th ASAP. i really do not find anymore fun in this place where once i thought i belong in. Its mundane & boring, im under the reign of people like mr mok. wtf. but nevertheless i have to thank 14th, you're my shelter where i met my seniors and certain friends. Meeting my seniors was the main reason why i never regretted joining bb. they thought me a big deal,as a boy, to where i am now, still the same, a boy,however, holding on to a leadership role. 14th is screwed, no doubts, good luck. & Currently i feel that its screwing me up.
The past 2 weeks were shit. I lost AQ, threatened by teachers almost daily, waht founders man report fuck shit, teachers were super against im, & im super down on luck, woah im being scolded for answering some stupid call in class also i disappointed Mr Poh many a times, & there goes my illumination in attaining my Warrant Officer. I really dont know whats happening. I'd stop talking to shanna ever since and also i dont know who to seek comfort in, im all alone.
Maybe not. There's sheena who's always supportive of me, but its not an all the time thing. sometimes i feel that afterall she prioritizes her family before friends, thats maybe something which i feel lacking of. I lack care. Mum, i miss you. Shanna i miss talking to you too, although i said i would stop, but what you said was true. 2 years sms everyday then suddenly nvr talk, it definitely is weird. BB friends are of a facade, i will stand up to that point definitely, i haven been talking to liangkai ,edmund,weijun recently. Weihua ,aziel is too involved with their own life. Sushi clique, isnt relli a clique. I lost my radiance. There's no one now that i can completely confide in and i feel very comfortable with. I'm losing my sanity., I haven been myself, I haven been the joker MJ i'd always been, Im behaving like a totally loser giving in to failure.
Today was fucked up.Okay so recently, i've been telling myself, i will be getting a Staff Sergeant instead of a WO. I relli dont know whats going on, where's the confident MJ.
In the 4 years of my AHS life, this is the first time im feeling so helpless. I really dont know how to face Mr Poh, i think im having a POHphobia. Firstly he's a nice guy, 2ndly i'd been disappointing him, 3rdly whatthefuck,everytime i see him , i feel an atmospheric pressure of 0710973012732 pressing down on me. Im like, going against all odds. or issit the other way round all odds are going against me.
okay back to my initial point. today was fucked up the past few days, past few weeks, i'd been so depressed. & on sunday i was feeling much better,thanks to the company who went to pulau ubin with me. I relli had fun back then, thanks all, esp wilson. i had a great laugh after a long time.
i had never expected this word, highly strung or AKA emo, heading towards my trackway in life.
I'd been so depressed & teachers are constantly pressing on the salt thats on my wound, they didn add the salt, they are torturing me. Id been trying my best to stay focus, i haven been talking in class for such a long time i thought they would let me off, but NO. fuck. Still they continue to haunt me and its prevailing.
okok back to my point. today was fucked. I had initial plans, to go back home with sheena, i was deciding to seek comfort in her but things didn go as i planned. As i was about to go, Mr Mok & Mr Poh wanted to talk to the 4D BB guys. & its all about teachers complains about us.
Mrs Lai, fuck you. You have always been holding a grudge against me, i can sense it although u do not come to me directly . Your glare tells it all, the way you talk to me, point me out. What the fuck. Miss Zarinah , you too. I have been changing but your impression of me is already stagnant. Wtf is wrong with the both of you.
I'd been doing my best since the 1st day i entered BB. I'd attended all parades as far as i could remember, i tried to participate in all courses. i listen to my seniors, i watched them pass out, i really did all i could.
I'd stressed myself for months where i took the lead in CCA Orientation, thank god it was successful. I was really experiencing success all the way. Until the day i didn get promoted.
I thought i overcame that setback and moved on with life, and when i get on track again, this happened. I'd always been a happy and proud boy, but why are all these unpleasant happenings tumbling towards my direction. WTF did i do wrong.
I was outstanding recruit when i was sec1, i really did my best or at least for as far as i can remember. Sec1 - Sec4, almost all that i'd done, i did it all for BB.
But fuck, i wasnt credited with anything but just ranks. i hope it applies this time round. but wtf why? why the fuck do you wanna stand in my way Mrs Lai & Miss Zarinah, if you think you can get it ur way if u complain so much then ure fucking wrong. you have fucking incorrect mindset, i do not have respect for both of you at all. You 2 are just 2 fkin obstacles that are obstrucing my path to my dream, my goal since sec4. Do you see the damage you are inflicting. You complaing because u feel disrupted,but are we the only ones? You complain & things go your way but everything that was with us are now going against us, You are destroying young adults who work so hard but now they never got a chance to see their fruits of labour just because of a COMPLAIN. Its unfair.
If u tell me the world is fair cause its unfair, but i seriously dont think so this time.
i dont think i work less than some people, i really dont know why i'd been so downonluck.
issit karma? issit because i'd been getting too close with sheena which in a way equates to betraying my good friend's crush. & thus karma is taking its course? or issit jokes i'd been talking about, about god & religious beliefs. I beleive in karma, i really do.
But if it really is carrying our its duties, this time then i really hope karma isnt taking its course this time.
Promotion to WO. I'd been getting my my own nerves recently, i really feel depressed. I seriously dislike my sec4 life. Thanks to all who cares if there's any, i really hope i can overcome this period asap and face life with a glowing smile like i used to.
Thanks blogger.
chiangrai in 1-2 days time. closer to 1 i suppose coz its 11.40pm sunday. ytd was AQ training finally a proper one. it got me aching over the body and also some muscle crams at my heart area was it relli muscle crams or someth broken and is now lkef there aggravating that pulmonary area. anyway 2 days passed since tt happy day but now feeling kinda not myself. not only today but ever since after class chalet. i seem to be totally drifted away from reality. i felt so much drifted away from my bb mates maybe its coz i dun see them as frequent, i rarely see the pa ppl also. i feel kinda unstable. ever since dunno when i stopped having the abilitiy to speak to ppl and think proper. i cant seem to cheer on ppl esp when they need i mean that used to be my forte i wanna put ronald's teaching to good use. speaking of ronald haven heard of him in a very long time kinda miss that fella, he enlightens me whenever i speak to him though in every conversation i may feel intrigued by his intelligence but at least i do learn. yeah. shanna i know nvr in ur life will u read this but i pray that u have a blissful path that lies ahead of you, im sure u can make it in life, nvr allow trivial matters to become detriments in life. i hope you'll relli live ur days happy like how u always do together with ur goodfriends shen & ziyun especially seen. hope u laugh ur lungs out everyday as well , i just hope that you'll always be happy. well i know im nvr gonna tell that to her or anyone but at least im letting some things off my chest. just like today, i deployed my work , my orientation work at last finally they're concious of what to do and they're doing someth, that heavy rock was lifted alas. bb guys hope u guys will find happiness in whatever may come, its our last 5-6 mths working together all the best to all of us. know its a difficult period for us most of us differ in opinions and ther are many backstabbing cases well should i say is a social cycle aahh. it happens almost everywhere even in groups that appear super bonded for eg. marco polo. have they not backstabbed ppl such as chelsia . speaking of mp reminds me of jiajie well . i couldn comprehend why u said all those to weihua i mean thers no point alr. you may think u appear cool when u use big words and talk like some mr perfect but its not, coz its not truthful at all and youre sorta just pushin all the blame on one person. im not in anyway saying im right but just u are the president hope that they didn choose u becoz u assured them a good feeling but they choose u becoz ure one capable guy. you are in someways but u might hafto work on the others. well speaking abt ppl , friends naturally comes across my mid i mean woah i nvr regret meeting ppl in ahs such as aziel and weihua they might be assholes like me thats why i call them friends well maybe thats one reason but honestly the 2 of them are quite mature , i mean the few of us me wh aziel chris etc guides one another onto the correct path also. relli nice ppl met . JJ's also in my click i do regard him he's v nice but i dont kw abt him i do hope he knows our intention is not to mock him or what sorry jiajie~ truthfully hope u like the socks/stockings i gave you . i guess over this year i changed pretty much i relli dun feel very mingjun man i feel very i dont know ahah , maybe puberty is finally taking its course. oh and thres this guy called chunkit rather long since i talked to him another friend that plays an impt role in moulding my sec3 life, thks.
bb guys i already lowered my expectations of them , feeling much better now, maybe my seniors forseen this sorta social emotional prob thts why i wasn given ops. i very much wanto be one actually, since the day i got my oustanding recruit award. i dont see a reason why i didn get anyway but well maybe i do see it now ahha. my batch doesn recognize me at all i bet they take me as some small fry who couldn do much for this coy as compared to more prominent subjects such as benjamin and keane,well they are able to prove their worth and i wasn maybe thats someth that i relli lack. recognition. after i didn achieve my long awaited post i kinda slackened off, i didn think for the coy as much as i did in the past and my batch kinda finds me shitty oh well.... ppl. i guess one of the most impt skills in life is social skill, it is a skill so wide it covers the entire earth. wow i just came up with that haha. yay she's online and she's feeling much better
alr phew... another load off my chest. hope my heart recovers by tml i dun wanna worry my friends and family when i go over.
everynow and then i still think abt my ambition - pilot. i relli want to be one i relli wanna impresss my kids and my families i wanna do them and myself proud. being able to fly is relli my dream i love the feeling when im in the air its so cool. but i wonder if im relli moving towards my goal.. but first i wanna do well in my studies relli hope i can get into Hwa Chong Instituition or Raffles JC its diff but i wanna do it i wanna try out a new environment i wanna be a pilot.
wow inspiring indeed inspiration .. it kinda links with AQ inspire&aq ahah coz aq is relli kinda life inspiring. i relli enjoyed myself in aq like i work so much for it , i love the team man , team 204 ahah. sounds gay but relli , not much bond but still aftereveryth we went thru together it paid off. " next year must win 1st for aq hor" -shanna, wow these words relli lighted up the olympic flame in me mann woohooo FIRST FOR BOYS TEAM CATEGORY SILVER CUP O M G!!!!!!!
Today had the 2nd general meeting it was rather screwed. as usual tham and juehua didn attend this thing. well it went out rather okay? with mr poh guiding me the way through. he's a relli nice guy , i mean he's like so holy and stuff , contributed alot of constructive suggestions. then yeah , as usual everyone had the lets get it over and done with attitude.. especially seen in weijian and edmund's faces. then mr mok turn up , yeah so everyth continued. then sir poh had to leave to attend someth and mr mok was left with us.. well, he got back to his normal mokking-self. " i chair meeting very fast one"-mmok. whats the point of chairing some meeting with speed but no substance? well its okay, just an obstacle for me to face, anyway there might be alot more ppl out there like mok in the society. so in the end , it wasn that productive. scrwed up this responsibility of mine as a chairperson.
well talking abt bb, why i stayed here is mainly because of the brotherhood that i forged with them. i enjoyed working together with them as a whole but many began to disappoint me.
especially edmund, goes around saying " fuck this bb thing, so boring". whos isnt bored of it after so many years and , if they carry on like these their attitude may eventually affect everyone. and also weijian. mm maybe we're the ones who scrwed him up.. yeah la i guess he isnt relli suited to be in BB , i mean its a UG and he's not a relli ug person.. and he has this pride that he holds very high up and tt kind of attitude may jeopardize bb14th. Despite his 'inabilities' i admire the fact that he made SOME changes . well not very much a difference but at least he tried. from someone who sucked at almost everyth except his amazing results and adminstration stuff. well its he put in alot of effort i guess we all see that. sorry dude, its our fault for ostracizing u but its urs for ur ' ure top of the world attitude' and you definitely fucking pissed me off the previous time during the meeting with mok where u mentioned oh the drill thing.?? its a once a year thing when u told us its some fucking once per month fuckshit.
Dissappointment, from 18 ppl to some 14 ppl and 2 are just.. i dunno.
cant blame thou i mean its the nature of ppl. yeah although we are v small in terms of size but only if we were more together, as in relli together not the current superficialness that i face.
but yeah if i were to lnik back i wouldn wanna blame my seniors but it had to be them, for not relli taking us properly and not sieving out those who are meant for ug and those who are not.. and now i love the attitude of every single one form january - april. i mean everyone was doing so much vying for a post. and when the posts were confirmed wtf happened to everyone, even those that i had trust most in.. everyone started to do things for personal gains and interest. hey this is some uniformed association not some fucked up warfare that involves fightin with each other just for food. also officers fuck to you all except for poh and oi. well khoo i dont relli know him. u guys relli lowered the morale of the company, what kinda attitude are u guys exactly showing. bb may not be someth important to you, well at least show basic respect for this organisation if u dun like it u can always have a change in it, choose not to take us. i relli would appreciate if thers a teaching staff in ahs who's relli interestd in promoting the boys brigade. okay its okay if u have some social problems i mean yeah its the nature and how u are being brought up.. but what abt attire? you know what it means to come in the wrong attire, it means that u completely disregard this association.. ahh wtf.
i relli hope that im in a cca where there's ppl who perceive things my way , i mean i dont think what im doing all the time is correct but i hope at least theres someone to relli explain to me why its wrong and stuff. okay bengan may be able to tell me things at times but most of the time he's just finding ways to put me off instead of correcting me.. well the rest engulfs me with disappointment.. the only ones i can rely on now. keane, ben gan, chongrui ,jinghan, nelson. i think my batch seriously lack someth.. someth called appreciation. Appreciating ppl relli means alot.
Orientation most probrably my very last project before my handover, i relli wanna do it well. no matter what nxt year's intake must increase.. i want bb14th to be a cut above the rest of the ugs in ahs.. i mean yeah moderations have to be done to improve for sure. all the best bb14th!!!
周记
上个星期二，男少年旅的负责 老师 带 领 了十 多 位男少年和一些基督教徒到了劈力州(perak)去游玩。星期二早晨，大家聚集在 圣 公会，一起搭旅行巴士去。整个路程大 约 有十个小时那么久！大家在巴士上不是睡觉，玩牌就是在说闲话 。我们 到达了目的地，大家都 懒 散地下车，大家也说是坐了一整天，屁股都酸了。老师 带 我们回房后，到餐厅吃 晚饭 就是自由时间了。
要睡的就睡，玩的就玩。
第二天，我们一大清早就被叫醒去吃早餐了。早餐过后，我们坐巴士到了山区里然后，一辆大型的罗里车把所有的人在上山。到了山上我们形成四个人的组合，一组拿一艘塑胶 船，从上一直划到下面去。政条河的长度大概有十公里那么的长。我们每个人都玩得很开心，一舜间，三个小时就飞走了。我们的肚子都饿 得不得了，我们就赶回度假屋去冲凉，吃饭。不久吃晚 饭就睡了。
第三天早晨，吃了早餐，就到度假村的某个部分去玩飞狐里(flying fox)。过后，我们吃了午餐就去到疑保(Ipoh)去泡温泉。跳进去的感觉非常非常的爽呀！=冲了个清爽的凉，我们乘搭巴士到了某间购 物中心去买东西吃东西。夜也深了，我们一包两包地走上了巴士回度假村。大家当天都睡得很安明。
第四天一早，吃了早餐后，就准备去怕山洞，我认为那里的人想象力很厉 害，看到那些像候子的石头就说是候子。爬呀爬呀，终于爬出来了。当时，整个身体都湿透了。
过后，我们冲了凉，就到了一座 还 未建完的城堡，那城堡大约六，七楼那么高，站在城堡的最顶会感到很不稳。
过后我们就回到了度假村吃晚餐。当天我累得一躺在床就医觉天明了。
第五天，也是我们在那里的最后 一天。早餐过后，我们就向各别的度假屋=告别了。我们拿着行李等巴士，坐回那十个小时的行程，平安地回到了新加坡。
我这次玩得非常痛快！！！