Dear Diary, i love you.
Whenever im in the state of discomfort u never fail to be there. You're the host for my many unpleasant memories & honestly i never look forward to coming here, it sucks. cause everything i post here wont be of any good. but still thanks, maybe this is one of the many pros that a non-living thing has. you guys are like punchbags, you get shoot at but still you stand strong, emotionless. Humans can never do that, we're over sentimental, we're full of feelings, how i wish im able to be like a punchbag during this period of maelstrom im going through. My mind is in a complete turmoil and myself in a complete state of fatigue. Im sick & tired.
Thanks diary.
3 days ago, it was BB POP & 23rd enrolement service. mine was the 20th.
11 days ago it was AQ08, where we got position 11th.
Well, it may seem as thou its the end of BB career for me, but its not. there's still promotions this coming friday.
Truthfully, i really want to get out of 14th ASAP. i really do not find anymore fun in this place where once i thought i belong in. Its mundane & boring, im under the reign of people like mr mok. wtf. but nevertheless i have to thank 14th, you're my shelter where i met my seniors and certain friends. Meeting my seniors was the main reason why i never regretted joining bb. they thought me a big deal,as a boy, to where i am now, still the same, a boy,however, holding on to a leadership role. 14th is screwed, no doubts, good luck. & Currently i feel that its screwing me up.
The past 2 weeks were shit. I lost AQ, threatened by teachers almost daily, waht founders man report fuck shit, teachers were super against im, & im super down on luck, woah im being scolded for answering some stupid call in class also i disappointed Mr Poh many a times, & there goes my illumination in attaining my Warrant Officer. I really dont know whats happening. I'd stop talking to shanna ever since and also i dont know who to seek comfort in, im all alone.
Maybe not. There's sheena who's always supportive of me, but its not an all the time thing. sometimes i feel that afterall she prioritizes her family before friends, thats maybe something which i feel lacking of. I lack care. Mum, i miss you. Shanna i miss talking to you too, although i said i would stop, but what you said was true. 2 years sms everyday then suddenly nvr talk, it definitely is weird. BB friends are of a facade, i will stand up to that point definitely, i haven been talking to liangkai ,edmund,weijun recently. Weihua ,aziel is too involved with their own life. Sushi clique, isnt relli a clique. I lost my radiance. There's no one now that i can completely confide in and i feel very comfortable with. I'm losing my sanity., I haven been myself, I haven been the joker MJ i'd always been, Im behaving like a totally loser giving in to failure.
Today was fucked up.Okay so recently, i've been telling myself, i will be getting a Staff Sergeant instead of a WO. I relli dont know whats going on, where's the confident MJ.
In the 4 years of my AHS life, this is the first time im feeling so helpless. I really dont know how to face Mr Poh, i think im having a POHphobia. Firstly he's a nice guy, 2ndly i'd been disappointing him, 3rdly whatthefuck,everytime i see him , i feel an atmospheric pressure of 0710973012732 pressing down on me. Im like, going against all odds. or issit the other way round all odds are going against me.
okay back to my initial point. today was fucked up the past few days, past few weeks, i'd been so depressed. & on sunday i was feeling much better,thanks to the company who went to pulau ubin with me. I relli had fun back then, thanks all, esp wilson. i had a great laugh after a long time.
i had never expected this word, highly strung or AKA emo, heading towards my trackway in life.
I'd been so depressed & teachers are constantly pressing on the salt thats on my wound, they didn add the salt, they are torturing me. Id been trying my best to stay focus, i haven been talking in class for such a long time i thought they would let me off, but NO. fuck. Still they continue to haunt me and its prevailing.
okok back to my point. today was fucked. I had initial plans, to go back home with sheena, i was deciding to seek comfort in her but things didn go as i planned. As i was about to go, Mr Mok & Mr Poh wanted to talk to the 4D BB guys. & its all about teachers complains about us.
Mrs Lai, fuck you. You have always been holding a grudge against me, i can sense it although u do not come to me directly . Your glare tells it all, the way you talk to me, point me out. What the fuck. Miss Zarinah , you too. I have been changing but your impression of me is already stagnant. Wtf is wrong with the both of you.
I'd been doing my best since the 1st day i entered BB. I'd attended all parades as far as i could remember, i tried to participate in all courses. i listen to my seniors, i watched them pass out, i really did all i could.
I'd stressed myself for months where i took the lead in CCA Orientation, thank god it was successful. I was really experiencing success all the way. Until the day i didn get promoted.
I thought i overcame that setback and moved on with life, and when i get on track again, this happened. I'd always been a happy and proud boy, but why are all these unpleasant happenings tumbling towards my direction. WTF did i do wrong.
I was outstanding recruit when i was sec1, i really did my best or at least for as far as i can remember. Sec1 - Sec4, almost all that i'd done, i did it all for BB.
But fuck, i wasnt credited with anything but just ranks. i hope it applies this time round. but wtf why? why the fuck do you wanna stand in my way Mrs Lai & Miss Zarinah, if you think you can get it ur way if u complain so much then ure fucking wrong. you have fucking incorrect mindset, i do not have respect for both of you at all. You 2 are just 2 fkin obstacles that are obstrucing my path to my dream, my goal since sec4. Do you see the damage you are inflicting. You complaing because u feel disrupted,but are we the only ones? You complain & things go your way but everything that was with us are now going against us, You are destroying young adults who work so hard but now they never got a chance to see their fruits of labour just because of a COMPLAIN. Its unfair.
If u tell me the world is fair cause its unfair, but i seriously dont think so this time.
i dont think i work less than some people, i really dont know why i'd been so downonluck.
issit karma? issit because i'd been getting too close with sheena which in a way equates to betraying my good friend's crush. & thus karma is taking its course? or issit jokes i'd been talking about, about god & religious beliefs. I beleive in karma, i really do.
But if it really is carrying our its duties, this time then i really hope karma isnt taking its course this time.
Promotion to WO. I'd been getting my my own nerves recently, i really feel depressed. I seriously dislike my sec4 life. Thanks to all who cares if there's any, i really hope i can overcome this period asap and face life with a glowing smile like i used to.
Thanks blogger.